Turning "No" into "Yes": Encouraging Positive Behaviors in Speech-Delayed Children
As a parent, do you ever feel like your parenting vocabulary consists of just the word “no”? I spend all day correcting behavior and answering requests with “no;
🍦 ice cream at 7 am - no
🎦 watch another movie - no
🏠 climbing onto the roof (oh middle child) - no
🚽 water play in the toilet - no
✂️ toddler with scissors for any reason - no
And I’m sure you can relate!
That no snowball is fierce. You may even find yourself saying no to things that don’t matter, and could easily have been a yes; for example, building forts in the living room or eating a backyard picnic lunch - a quick no when that "no snowball” is rolling fast.
Easily an all-day “no” fest.
While sometimes a "no," "stop," or "don't" is necessary, a constant string of these negative commands is a quick drain of your child’s emotional “bucket”.
SIDE NOTE: Here’s a great read about this concept “How Full Is Your Bucket”… There’s a kid and adult version! It's well worth your minutes.
For children with speech delays, the expected toddler meltdowns are amplified - for they have no real means to follow up, explain, problem-solve, or advocate for themselves.
This can easily leave you both frustrated and drained.
To help you make the small (but mighty) shift away from constant “no”, in this blog post, we’ll explore how shifting language to focus on what your child CAN DO instead of what they shouldn’t do, creates a more positive environment.
Understanding the Impact of "No, Stop, Don't"
Imagine how you’d feel if most of the feedback throughout your day was negative. You spend all day being corrected or redirected, even when trying your best. Disheartening and frustrating to say the least.
Imagine the feeling in the pit of your stomach as you see your boss or family member approaching, and you feel like you can never make them happy. You would likely even find yourself avoiding that person.
It’s important to recognize when we’re overusing these negative commands and instead offer guidance on what children can do. For example, instead of saying "Don't jump on the couch," you can say, "Feet go on the floor" or "We sit on the couch." This corrects behavior while also providing a clear, positive alternative.
Kid listening is super sketchy on a good day, they always seem to miss the first part, “Don’t dance on the table” translates quickly into “dance your heart out kid”.
Young children also have no other ideas than their current mission. When we ask them to stop, their brains are immediately blank for new ideas to engage with the items at hand.
Implementing the "Can-Do" Approach
The "Can-Do" approach involves telling your child what behaviors are acceptable. For instance, if your child is throwing food, instead of saying, "Don't throw your food," you could say, "Food goes on the plate or in our mouth." If they are hitting, you might say, "We can wave or clap with our hands." Showing them adds another layer of fun…start clapping and waving joyfully and they are more likely to joinin.
You can also allow them to express their emotions in acceptable ways. If your child is angry, you might say, "You can be angry, but you can't hit. You can stomp your feet, say I’m mad, or yell into a pillow." This method not only helps redirect their actions but also teaches them better ways to express their feelings.
Balancing Negative Commands with Positive Reinforcement
Even with the best intentions, there will be times when you slip or find it necessary to say "no," "stop," or "don't." When this happens, it’s crucial to follow up with several positive statements to balance the negative impact.
For example, if you catch yourself saying, "Stop yelling," you can quickly add, "Let's use our inside voice. You can whisper, or we can talk softly."
In the interactions after a negative, find 5 bucket fillers. These could be about behavior, but might also just be positive interactions.
“I love playing games with you”
“Show me your sweet jumping skills”
“Wow, you have great ideas”
“That shirt is amazing”
By consciously adding five positive reinforcements after a negative command, you’re helping to refill your child’s emotional bucket. This practice not only fosters a more positive environment but helps you both get out of a “no” and grumpy snowball.
Shifting from "no" to "yes" and focusing on what your child can do can transform your interactions and create a more supportive environment for your speech-delayed child. This approach helps reduce frustration and builds their confidence in communicating and expressing themselves.
Remember, the key is to provide clear, positive alternatives and to balance any necessary negative commands with plenty of positive reinforcement.
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